Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t—those who turned away—would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time.
Bidding Wars
So, there's nothing surprising in this, except that the mechanism is laid out in easy-to-grasp terms.
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I read this too, and thought it was very interesting.
Deborah Tannen talks about this issue a lot in her work on male/female communication styles. One thing that fascinated me was the notion that men typically view interruptions/bids for attention as attempts to control them and react very negatively.
My gut sense is that when a woman reacts this way (and women do), the marriage is dead. But men reacting this way doesn't mean the same thing, though it is devastating to the woman and probably leads to more serious problems in the relationship.
My wife and I have such very different interests that these 'bids' are priced quite highly. If she interrupts my thinking through some problem of philosophy to draw my attention to some idle bird or flower -- as she does many, many times a day -- she knows at some level that the attention she receives is costly. It's valuable because she knows I don't share the interest, and that I'm leaving off something I consider important and worthwhile to pay attention to something that strikes me as a triviality.
Now, why would I do that? Because she isn't trivial: just the flower or the bird. In fact, just because they are so very trivial and I make the exchange anyway, you can see the value I place on her.
By the same token, if I undertake to talk through a problem in philosophy with her, I know she's paying a very high price. The last thing she wants to think about are philosophical problems! There are birds and flowers and things out there demanding her attention, needing to be fed or watered or arranged or noticed. To spend fifteen minutes listening to a long description of an abstract or formally logical problem is the last thing she wants to do.
Once in a while I still ask her to do it, usually because I need to talk something through and she's the one who's around. But I certainly appreciate it, just because I know she'd rather be doing almost anything else.
What could be more deadly than the message "You're boring me; you don't deserve my attention; I'm not curious about what blows your skirt up"?
There are times when I don't want to be interrupted, and there are times when my wife doesn't want to be interrupted. Each of us even reacts with some irritation over the interruption, sometimes. But after 98 years of marriage, we generally can predict those times.
Usually, we're free with our time for each other. And one of the purposes of our walks together is to discuss things, sometimes of mutual interest, sometimes of interest just to one of us. But we each draw pleasure from the evident pleasure of the other in the matter.
Eric Hines
A very interesting story. Important to note that the expected response to "bids" is going to be highly context-dependent: a comment about the flowers that just bloomed is likely to get a very different response depending on whether it's made when walking around the backyard or over the phone when the person who was just told about it is at work, has a sales proposal due in 30 minutes, and also 2 people waiting outside his door with urgent issues.
Cass..."(Deborah Tannen said) men typically view interruptions/bids for attention as attempts to control them and react very negatively."
Maybe this has something to do with the often-asserted higher female tolerance for multitasking?
"But after 98 years of marriage,..."
Eric that made me laugh out loud!
0>;~]
Well, if a husband and wife can't tease each other, it's not much of a marriage.
Eric Hines
Amen to that!
Course, that's almost the basis of my marriage from the get-go.
heh
0>;~]
Maybe this has something to do with the often-asserted higher female tolerance for multitasking?
I believe that's part of it. My husband and one of my sons have both described having difficulty processing too many things at once (especially verbally).
I think part of it is hierarchical too - men interpret lots of things as competition/aggressiveness that women tend to interpret quite differently. This isn't "wrong" - coming from a man, I would tend to trust their instincts. It's just that applying them to a woman doesn't always work (I've seen this phenomenon in reverse, too).
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