Nicomachean Ethics VIII.13

Today's is a longer chapter. 

There are three kinds of friendship, as we said at the outset of our inquiry, and in respect of each some are friends on an equality and others by virtue of a superiority (for not only can equally good men become friends but a better man can make friends with a worse, and similarly in friendships of pleasure or utility the friends may be equal or unequal in the benefits they confer). This being so, equals must effect the required equalization on a basis of equality in love and in all other respects, while unequals must render what is in proportion to their superiority or inferiority.

Since the equality of friendship is sometimes each giving each other the same thing, when you are equals you have to be sure to be giving the other person as much as they are giving you. This principle of reciprocity holds in true friendships especially, i.e. friendships of virtuous people for the right reasons.

In the case where unequals are 'friends,' which happens especially with so-called friendships of utility, the principle as Aristotle has stated it is that the better gets more of the good. Thus, the person who is benefitting most from the utility -- perhaps they have befriended an older person with more and better connections in the industry they aspire to join -- must provide more of the goods of friendship to make the friendship worth the better person's time. If they don't, the better-connected or more-famous person will simply drift away because it's no longer worth their time.

Aristotle goes on to point out that this kind of drifting-away is mostly about friendships of utility, as true friends actually care about each other. Even in friendships of pleasure, they're both having fun.

Complaints and reproaches arise either only or chiefly in the friendship of utility, and this is only to be expected. For those who are friends on the ground of virtue are anxious to do well by each other (since that is a mark of virtue and of friendship), and between men who are emulating each other in this there cannot be complaints or quarrels; no one is offended by a man who loves him and does well by him-if he is a person of nice feeling he takes his revenge by doing well by the other. And the man who excels the other in the services he renders will not complain of his friend, since he gets what he aims at; for each man desires what is good. Nor do complaints arise much even in friendships of pleasure; for both get at the same time what they desire, if they enjoy spending their time together; and even a man who complained of another for not affording him pleasure would seem ridiculous, since it is in his power not to spend his days with him.

But the friendship of utility is full of complaints; for as they use each other for their own interests they always want to get the better of the bargain, and think they have got less than they should, and blame their partners because they do not get all they 'want and deserve'; and those who do well by others cannot help them as much as those whom they benefit want.

This strikes me as being appropriate in its way, because these 'friends of utility' are in a sense being untruthful with each other. They aren't really friends at all; they're only acting in a friendly manner in order to extract some practical good from each other. Perhaps this is more pleasant than to try to do business with people who are rude or hateful, which is understandable. If it is mistaken for friendship instead of courtesy, however, it is likely to lead to hurt feelings when people decide they aren't getting as much out as they are putting in. (This also points up the bad quality of treating a love relationship, such as the 'friendship between husband and wife,' as chiefly being about the 'goods' one gets from each other. If it is chiefly about utility it's not a true friendship of any sort.)

Now it seems that, as justice is of two kinds, one unwritten and the other legal, one kind of friendship of utility is moral and the other legal. And so complaints arise most of all when men do not dissolve the relation in the spirit of the same type of friendship in which they contracted it. The legal type is that which is on fixed terms; its purely commercial variety is on the basis of immediate payment, while the more liberal variety allows time but stipulates for a definite quid pro quo. In this variety the debt is clear and not ambiguous, but in the postponement it contains an element of friendliness; and so some states do not allow suits arising out of such agreements, but think men who have bargained on a basis of credit ought to accept the consequences.

Here we are clearly talking about 'friendships' that are really business arrangements. 

The moral type is not on fixed terms; it makes a gift, or does whatever it does, as to a friend; but one expects to receive as much or more, as having not given but lent; and if a man is worse off when the relation is dissolved than he was when it was contracted he will complain. This happens because all or most men, while they wish for what is noble, choose what is advantageous; now it is noble to do well by another without a view to repayment, but it is the receiving of benefits that is advantageous. Therefore if we can we should return the equivalent of what we have received (for we must not make a man our friend against his will; we must recognize that we were mistaken at the first and took a benefit from a person we should not have taken it from-since it was not from a friend, nor from one who did it just for the sake of acting so-and we must settle up just as if we had been benefited on fixed terms). Indeed, one would agree to repay if one could (if one could not, even the giver would not have expected one to do so); therefore if it is possible we must repay. But at the outset we must consider the man by whom we are being benefited and on what terms he is acting, in order that we may accept the benefit on these terms, or else decline it.

Here is another point of commonality with the Havamal's advice on friendship, this time verse 39: "No man is so generous he will jib at accepting/ A gift in return for a gift, /No man so rich that it really gives him/ Pain to be repaid." Likewise 41-2: "With presents friends should please each other, /With a shield or a costly coat:/ Mutual giving makes for friendship,/ So long as life goes well.... A man should be loyal through life to friends,/ And return gift for gift,/ Laugh when they laugh[.]"

It is disputable whether we ought to measure a service by its utility to the receiver and make the return with a view to that, or by the benevolence of the giver. For those who have received say they have received from their benefactors what meant little to the latter and what they might have got from others-minimizing the service; while the givers, on the contrary, say it was the biggest thing they had, and what could not have been got from others, and that it was given in times of danger or similar need. Now if the friendship is one that aims at utility, surely the advantage to the receiver is the measure. For it is he that asks for the service, and the other man helps him on the assumption that he will receive the equivalent; so the assistance has been precisely as great as the advantage to the receiver, and therefore he must return as much as he has received, or even more (for that would be nobler). In friendships based on virtue on the other hand, complaints do not arise, but the purpose of the doer is a sort of measure; for in purpose lies the essential element of virtue and character.

In matters of utility, then, one looks to the value of the goods to be gotten in return for those received; but in friendships of virtue, as always the measure is that which is most worthy of honor. Thus those trapped in a 'friendship' of utility measure the value of what was received in deciding how much ought to be repaid with a matching gift or service. 

The friends of virtue ask themselves what they can do for a friend that would be a gift most worthy, and thus do more and think less of recompense. All the same, they may also gain greater recompense than those who are friends of utility should the virtuous friend have chosen wisely in picking their friend, for that friend will then likewise be aiming at doing what is most worthy of honor when being a friend in return.