Much of the time, Mr. Lioi said, his straight male clients tell him that they rarely open up to anyone but their girlfriends or wives. Their partners have become their unofficial therapists, he said, “doing all the emotional labor.”That particular role now has a name: “mankeeping.” The term, coined by Angelica Puzio Ferrara, a postdoctoral fellow at Stanford University, has taken off online. It describes the work women do to meet the social and emotional needs of the men in their lives, from supporting their partners through daily challenges and inner turmoil, to encouraging them to meet up with their friends.
I have frequently suggested that there is a significant downside to the intrusion of 'therapy' into every aspect of life; here is another aspect of it. Of course you should rely chiefly on your spouse for your emotional needs: in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, etc. That is the bargain, and of old it was understood that husband and wife were partners in all of life's highs and lows. It wasn't seen as "unofficial therapy," or any sort of therapy. It was marriage; it was life.
Therapy is properly limited to those who are recovering from injuries. Treating ordinary life as an ongoing source of injury -- indeed, usually as a source of "trauma"! -- has numerous bad follow-on effects. The implication here is that you should be paying somebody to 'treat' you for whatever daily difficulties you encounter. Otherwise, you're unfairly imposing on your spouse.
The strength of a marriage comes from learning that you can rely on each other. A marriage works because you become practiced in leaning on each other, and find a partner who will help you carry your weight. You, in turn, help them with their own.
I do think it's good to have friends; we talked about that not long ago. I wonder how quickly, though, these same women who are complaining about having to care for their partners would find themselves jealous if that emotional bonding was swapped outside of the marriage to another person.
11 comments:
I'm so old I remember when it was terrible that men did not share their emotions with their wives and girlfriends.
They weren't careful enough about what they wished for.
Eric Hines
I love the idea that simply listening to your husband is emotional labor (whatever that is supposed to mean). I'm sure wives never confide in or vent to their husbands. Suddenly, the "It's not about the nail!" YouTube video comes to mind.
How do we know that marriage is harder for women, and that young women have a harder time than young men?
Women tell us this. Men have it easy. Women believe this until they have husbands and male children. That some things are easier and some harder is occasionally acknowledged in theory by some of the other women, but any concrete example is likely to be met with fire.
I say this as one who does see that women often have difficult lives.
There was an article (probably in the NYT) years ago by a woman who was complaining that she was the main/only emotional support for her unmarried male friends. She further complained that those friends did not reciprocate. My reaction to that was the same as my reaction to this:
If you're doing something, you don't want to be doing, stop doing it. If you want a friend or spouse to do something for you, ask for it. To wit:
For Ms. Tilley-Colson and Glenn, talking about mankeeping explicitly has helped ease her burden.
[snip]
“I’ve put more effort in to try and even things out,” he said.
Rumors to the contrary not withstanding, men can't read minds.
"I say this as one who does see that women often have difficult lives."
'Life is pain, highness.... anyone who says differently is selling something.'
-Dread Pirate Roberts
i'm with Elise. If you say yes to something mean it. If what you really mean is no, say that. I believe Jesus was quite clear on this subject.
My question to the inventor of that buzzword is this: If I go to my boyfriend for emotional support, is that "womankeeping"?
I believe Jesus was quite clear on this subject
Can I get a cite? In all seriousness. I have had way too many discussions with friends who are convinced being right with God means having to say "Yes" to what others expect them to do.
Mt. 5:37, I presume. But perhaps also Rev. 3:15-16. Tex?
Of course not; and if he denies you anything on that score, why, that’s cause for outrage!
It does remind me, however, that we used to use the term “a kept man” in a different way. It was not considered a good thing to be.
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