DB: Congress Cuts Enlisted Pay to Fund F-35 Stereo System

Congress has passed a new law that will cut pay for all enlisted servicemembers by two percent. The money saved will fund a “wicked baller” speaker system for the F-35 Lightning II, according to program managers.

“We were really looking for something that would set the F-35 back another five years,” said program spokesman, Vice Adm. Tom Skazanski. “Now we’ll have to redesign the entire cockpit to fit the system in there, and even then I doubt it will work.”...

The contract was settled after a lengthy bidding war between “Fat Leonard” Francis and an eBay user based out of Azerbaijan. Still, the department does not know where it will get the stock it needs, as most of the technology involved has been obsolete for decades.