Marital sabotage

Focus on the Family (via Maggie's Farm) offers what seems like sensible advice for preparation for success in marriage, with five easy  mistakes to avoid:  (1) cohabitation, (2) taking on debt, (3) marrying an unbeliever, (4) avoiding counseling before or after marriage, and (5) dreaming of a soul mate.  I have to say, though, that I broke most of these rules and came out all right.  I obeyed a couple:  We never took on much debt, I guess I can say that for us, and I never really looked at things in terms of a single possible "soul mate" in the sense of one person on the planet who was my "split-apart."  Otherwise, complete failure on (1), (3), and (4).

I suspect you can get away with cohabitation and marrying unbelievers (we both were) as long as you have a deep and abiding faith in pairing up and staying paired up.  I'm not sure where we got that, but it's been a bedrock for us.  As far as counseling goes, however, my husband would be equally likely to take a year off and join and ashram after having his entire body tattooed in paisley.

8 comments:

bs king said...

I would modify #3. While a shared faith is important, the way one believes that faith plays out in life is equally if not more important. Reasonable people of faith can disagree on the way to raise and discipline children, the role of extended family in your life, gender roles, money habits, etc etc. I've seen way too many people "check the Christian box" and assume God will overcome the rest. Not impossible, but it certainly will make life harder.

Grim said...

Your results match mine. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a "failure," but I certainly never had any concern about (1), (3), or (4). (Counseling? Hah!)

james said...

Does counseling mean going to a certified pro, or does it mean asking a friend or aunt/uncle for advice?

Quite a bit of the advice on offer seems no more than you could learn from watching a few older and successful couples. If you don't have any of those in your circle of acquaintances, maybe you do need somebody to remind you of the basics.

Tom said...

If you are an unbeliever, I don't thing 3 matters. Focus on the Family is a Christian outfit, I believe, so they're probably assuming their readers are Christians.

Going to the source, that it indeed the case. The author cites 2 Corinthians 6:14, which reads “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?”

As for counseling, the author says: some sort of pre-marrieds curriculum or counseling. This guided conversation through potential issues helps couples learn how to more intentionally communicate and work through the challenges that will crop up.

Once married, find a good mentor couple to continue the work of becoming one.

Tom said...

Wow, I need more coffee.

"I don't thing"? "That it indeed the case"?

Gads.

Miss Ladybug said...

My husband and I married in the Catholic Church, so we were required to go through a marriage preparation course. I think this is a good thing for couples. It forced us to look at situations that might arise that we just hadn't talked about - it wasn't an avoidance issue: we just had thought about them.

I do know part of it was difficult for my husband. Some of the questions asked us to talk about our families growing up and he had a very difficult childhood. However, that gave us reason to talk about some of the things he feared (mostly that his experiences might have a negative influence on our relationship and how thing would be if we are blessed with children) and that was a good thing...

Texan99 said...

Hey, it's Mrs. Ladybug! :-) Is it my imagination, or don't you usually comment at Cassandra's place instead of here? Or else we just haven't seen much of you here lately. Best wishes to you, and congratulations to the groom, by the way.

Cass said...

I agree with MLB that an awful lot of people get married without ever discussing major goals like, "Do we want kids?" or...

If we do, who will stay home with them?

How will we manage our finances?

What kind of life do we want together?

What expectations do we have of each other?

Those are pretty fundamental questions. As young as I was when we got married, my husband and I had already dated for over 2 years and I knew him pretty well. And we had actually discussed most of those things. But a surprising number of folks don't.