On January 16, my father and I learned that he has terminal cancer. He's eighty-four. Yesterday I discovered that he's known about his soft-tissue pelvic sarcoma for almost two years but did nothing about it. My father is terrified of cancer, so he denied that he had it. He pretended it didn't exist.... My father has lived in a state of blissful denial his entire life. He used to smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, and until he was seventy he drank a quart of scotch a day. His diet consists of steak, salami, potatoes, bread, cheese, mayonnaise, ice cream, and pie....The other day I was cutting down a tree with my chainsaw, and I took a moment before making the final cut to prepare for death. It's not a difficult process. I said the usual prayer, accepted that in a moment I might be dead, and then felled the tree. Sure enough it didn't fall just as I wanted. Nevertheless, as I took the alternate escape route, I experienced no fear. Perhaps this is because my studies in metaphysics have led me to believe that death is a small thing; perhaps it is simply because I am practiced in facing death. Aristotle held that any human virtue was likely to be the result of good practice.
He told me recently that until he was eighty, he honestly thought he'd live forever. I didn't say, "Really? You thought you'd live in your house here in Los Angeles for trillions and trillions and trillions of years, making your wooden toys, watching Bill O'Reilly... for all eternity?"...
My father's mother died of heart disease and diabetes. She screamed and cried and begged God for more time, over a three-week period. It was very traumatic for my father. My grandmother was seventy-eight and had never once changed her diet after her diagnosis of diabetes. She gorged on cookies, cake, and pie and then screamed for more life. Her death was unfair, she cried.
You know you're going to die. It could be today. The good life ideally includes a good death. Why not practice for the great challenge you know is going to come?
7 comments:
If it's not too personal, I'd be fascinated to hear what "the usual prayer" consists of.
The author seems sure that her father would have been better off forswearing cigarettes, scotch, steak, salami, potatoes, bread, cheese, mayonnaise, ice cream, and pie, and perhaps even undergoing major abdominal surgery and chemo in his 80s, all so that he could live to be more than 84. I'll bet he's glad she wasn't in charge! Even her mother made it to 78 by eating what she liked. That's than my mother (35), stepmother (65), sister (45), or father (75) lived.
I had an aunt who used to show little patience with young doctors who lectured her about her habits. "Sonny," she'd say, "I'm 85 years old. When you live to be as old as me, you can recommend your habits to younger people."
But this is OT. Grim, you're absolutely on the right track about the attitude toward death. The life you've chosen hasn't allowed you to pretend it's not there.
PS, I expressed myself poorly. Rather than say you're on the right track, as if I knew, I should have said I wistfully admire your approach.
I can understand about not wanting to go through cancer treatment at an advanced age. That was the decision my grandmother made when diagnosed with uterine cancer. She had seen her husband deal with cancer treatment more than 20 years previous. They gave him six months, but he made it 14. Grandma's cancer wasn't ignored, but she did not want anything invasive, such as surgery or chemo/radiation. She was ready to die (past ready, I sometimes thought), and she did pass this past April, but not (at least directly) from the cancer.
The grandmother in the piece, on the other hand, who wanted more time, even though she could likely have done something on her own - once diagnosed with diabetes - to allow her that, I can't have too much sympathy for.
My fiance has heart disease. He knows his condition has much to do with his past lifestyle choices. If it were not for him going to his doctor at the VA and forcing the issue (it wasn't asthma, that pain in his chest...) a year and a half ago, it was just a matter of time until he had a massive - and likely fatal - heart attack. It's been hard for him: a cardiac cath with stents inserted, a 2nd cath a week later when they determined he needed bypass surgery, a 3rd cath resulting from one of his meds not working like it should (resulting in 3 new blockages, 2 new stents and one blockage they couldn't fix), EECP treatment and multiple visits to the ER for ongoing pain that was finally corrected with adjustments to his meds, plus making the changes he needs to stay as healthy as he can (making the time for exercise and watching what he eats). But, he knows if he doesn't make those changes, he'll die much younger than he needs to...
I am with MikeD. With the realization that it is none of my business.
Just curious as to whether the prayer was answered.
My prayers tend toward pleading for divine intervention to keep me from killing myself or someone else when doing dangerous work.
I have a feeling that yours might be more squaring away your relationship with God and then letting the chips fall where they may.
Mike and Russ:
It is a private matter, but I see no reason to hide it from you since you have entirely guessed the content.
The prayer is simply for forgiveness and mercy: for myself, for those I love, and for those I ought to love.
I figured it was along those lines. Thank you for sharing! :)
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