Let's Play A Game

The New York Times published an article called "27 Ways to Be a Modern Man." Low score wins.

I have to confess to numbers 4, 5, and 11 (although not for 'modern' reasons -- I just refuse to use Twitter). That's a score of three for me.

You might be curious about number 16: "The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away."

That's not me. Oh, I sleep on the side closest to the door, in part because of the possibility of intruders. But if I get up to deal with one, my wife can sleep in.

Knowing her, though, she'd probably go for her Glock. Who wants to be left out of a good time?


Anonymous said...

There's a whole different meaning to that "closer to the door" point if you happen to be a single mother. While I was a single mom, most places I lived had the master bedroom as far away from the main entrance as possible, while my son's bedroom was closer. This was something that niggled at my mind, and I was a very light sleeper for many years.

When I finally bought a house of my choice, the floor plan had the master bedroom directly at the head of the stairs, with the children's bedrooms down the hall.

That is still the case in my latest home, even though my youngest is bigger than I am, and far better trained. Between him and the dog, however, I do sleep more soundly.


Grim said...

I understand. When we were the parents of a young child O these many years ago, we all slept in one bedroom. Of course, the intruders we worried about in those days were bears! My wife once saw one looking in the window at our child, although not in any way aggressively. Another time, we found muddy paw prints on a window screen.

MikeD said...

I think I'm between 1 and 2. Mostly be because I can't decide if I've actually seriously thought about buying a shoehorn, or if it was just a passing fancy. I totally park where I can, and don't sweat it too much.

I sleep on the side of the bed furthest from the door, but that's because she wants the side closer to the bathroom and has balance issues (so walking around the bed half asleep would be a bad idea.

E Hines said...

No 1: I don't buy shoes for my wife. She's a grown, adult human being, fully capable of making her own choices. Even on the trivial things.

No 5: There's always a parking spot an appropriate distance from the door. There's no need to look, or to settle for a "reasonable" one.

No 10: What's this about? The dishes already are put away.

No 17: Why do I need one of those? Food hasn't eaten the stuff, yet.

The NYT's waste of newsprint and electrons is a microaggression of macro proportion.

Eric Hines

Texan99 said...

The NPH would never buy shoes for me, though in all conscience it would be easy enough, since I have only one pair, which I replace with something identical as soon as it wears out. Well, sometimes I keep an old pair and a new pair in stock at the same time.

He does sometimes surprise me with flowers, and I can't recall that he ever brought them home as an apology.

He doesn't have to worry about a phone battery, because he doesn't have a phone. He figures I'm capable of keeping my own phone charged all by myself.

We both like Michael Mann films, but we don't have any kind of DVR, let alone a Blu-Ray.

We haven't subscribed to a dead-tree newspaper in years and years, but in any case nothing short of a fire would be likely to induce him to step outside half-naked, and I'm doubtful about the fire. I would, of course; nudity means nothing to me.

I've never lived in a house without hardwood floors.

We don't go to movie theaters. I can agree about the pin-tweet thing, though, whatever that is.

raven said...

His modern man is a pussy, and is going to get the last wakeup call of his life , regardless of which side of the bed he sleeps on, because he has "no need" for a gun. Probably spent the money on red pumps for his wife. Hate to break the news to those cupcakes, but the "need" equation changes really ,really fast under duress. In fact, a good weapon can go from "unnecessary" to "the most important object in the universe", in a femtosecond. That idiot has never known trouble.

Assistant Village Idiot said...

This masculinity is an upgrade for many readers of the NYT. I think it is trading down for most readers at Grim's Hall.

Including the women.

Texan99 said...

The shotgun is on my husband's side of the bed, though neither side is closer to the door. He's a much better shot than I am, and more cold-blooded, I think. Although theoretically I support everyone's right to explore all kinds of gender roles, as a practical matter I'm glad he's not some kind of ridiculous metrosexual. As inconvenient as this masculine uncommunicative thing can be, I chose him for what he is, with my eyes open, and am I ever glad of it.

Texan99 said...

AVI: **snort**

Ymar Sakar said...

NYTimes trash and Leftist puppets.

To answer your line from before, Grim, when you can find me a patriotic Democrat that has killed Leftists, maybe that time I'll find a "non Leftist puppet" for once.

Tom said...

There used to be a lot of those, Ymar, but since we aren't fighting the commies anymore, they're getting rarer.

It's probably overkill, but The Writer in Black has fisked the list. A typical point there:

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

There is nothing that lifts a man's spirits more than being able to support and protect someone else.

I guess I'm the wuss around here. I fit 6 or 8 of these, depending on how you interpret them.

3 - Yeah, I don't munch popcorn during the quiet scenes.
4? - Steak yeah! The fatter the better, though I may remove charred bits. 1/2 point?
5 - Just park it. The walk is good for you.
14 - Grocery lists on paper
18? I own a shoehorn, but I never seriously thought about it before getting one. They're cheap; with certain dress shoes, they're handy; I simply got one. Don't know how to score this.
19 - Flowers for a pleasant surprise
21 - I don't have a daughter, but I can't imagine scolding a hypothetical daughter for sneezing, so I'm saying yes
24 - Not hung up on phone battery percentages

Potentially 8/27.

But, who really cares about most of that list? And if that list really defines the "modern man," who cares about being modern?

Tom said...

#7 (The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.) reminded me of something.

Years ago I read a small book called something like "How to Be a Gentleman," written by a Southerner who wanted to educate high school / college age youths about the social graces. It was written much like this list; lots of prescriptive "The gentleman does X / doesn't do Y" items.

Some of it was very useful: Different knots for tying ties and when to use them; the different categories of dress (white tie, black tie, etc.) and how to stock your closet accordingly; how to stock your home bar for entertaining guests; that sort of thing. However, some of them seemed frivolous.

One that stood out was, as I recall, something like "the gentleman doesn't buy glassware for beer. Beer should be drunk from the bottle."

I like my stouts in pint glasses. I actually think they taste better that way. Does that make me less of a gentleman? Really?

Americans have mostly thrown out all the old social etiquette of the past, but I think we've gone too far. With fair recognition that most of the time we get along well without a lot of it, that stuff can actually help social interaction go smoothly with people we don't know that well, and I applaud trying to bring some of it back. There's a time and a place for it. Somehow, though, it always seems to get bogged down in silliness like this.

Tom said...

Another fisking, by a woman.

Several commenters argue that the original article must be satire, and I'm tempted to agree. The list is so frivolous that it's a bit unsettling to think it was serious.

Tom said...

It's worse: 11, too. I have no idea what that means. So possibly 9/27.

Cedar said...

Tom, I appreciate the link, but I'll point out that the fisking was written by my husband. I put together the list for Modern Women, though. Friends and I had fun with that one.

Tom said...

Thanks for the correction! I'll check out your list.