DB: Mattis Changes Title

In an effort to better align the title of his office with the duties and obligations he executes, sources say that Mattis will unilaterally change his title from Secretary of Defense to First Lord of Destruction.

One senior defense official said that other titles considered were Purveyor of Devastation and America’s Mighty Hammer of Righteousness. However, First Lord of Destruction had a nice “Marine Corps meets Sith Lord” kind of ring to it, the source said.

“If any of you sons of bitches calls me secretary, I’ll punch you right in the throat,” Mattis told members of the press in a recent briefing.

“I’ll call him whatever he wants,” one visibly shaken undersecretary of defense told reporters, on condition of anonymity. “Just as long as he doesn’t hurt me again. I called him Mr. Secretary once and he punched me right in the throat.”

4 comments:

Tom said...

Maybe the undersecretary would be happier if his title were "Underlord of Destruction." I mean, why would the First Lord of Destruction have undersecretaries at all?

Tom said...

This is reminiscent of Sgt. Maj. Plumley in "We Were Soldiers": "If any of you sons of bitches calls me grandpa, I'll kill you."

Jason said...

I still favor changing "Defense" back to "War". Changing the "Secretary" part would be fine too. Maybe "Lord", or "Master" would work...

Eric Blair said...

"America's Mighty Hammer of Righteousness" does have a ring to it.