John F. Kerry's response to President Bush, Republican Convention

An Imagined Interview:

I have a couple of questions for Kerry, based on last night's speech.

I am under the impression that he will want to answer them:

For the past week, they attacked my patriotism and my fitness to serve as Commander-in-chief. We'll, here's my answer. I will not have my commitment to defend this country questioned by those who refused to serve when they could have and by those who have misled the nation into Iraq.

Well, that really gets right to my questions, so let's start. Unhappily, since Kerry has decided not to give interviews at which people can ask non-scripted questions (his last one was more than a month ago), we are left having to imagine his responses. I'll try to imagine them based on things his campaign, or he himself, has already said.

Grim: Senator, you've been accused of hiding from criticism on every possible issue. Does this answer mean that you will, once again, try to ignore all the questions raised about your record, walk away, and hope no one notices? Or are you simply trying to draw limits around legitimate free speech -- that is, that you won't take questions from people who didn't volunteer for military service, but you will take questions from those who did?

Kerry: Are you a Republican?

Grim: No, Senator. Does that mean that Republicans are also in the category of people who aren't allowed to question you?

Kerry: Did you vote for George Bush? Did you vote for George Bush?

Grim: No, neither one.

Kerry: Well, then I might consider answering your question. What was it again?

Grim: Will you permit combat veterans to question your record, or are you really suggesting that no one may question you at all?

Kerry: Well, that's a complicated question, and the nuances...

Grim: Let's make it simpler, then, to save time. Will you let Bush question you? He volunteered for service.

Kerry: No. George Bush betrayed his country by not serving in Vietnam. Besides, he's a Republican, and I'm sure he voted for himself.

Grim: I see. How about Zell Miller's questions? He's not a Republican, and he served in the United States Marine Corps.

Kerry: No. He is no better than Darth Vader.

Grim: I see. Well, how about all these Swift Boat Veterans, then? They served in the same capacity as you, in the same place, and for much longer. Will you answer the questions they've raised?

Kerry: No. They are nothing but smear artists connected to George Bush.

Grim: There are over three hundred of them now.

Kerry: I won't have my service questioned by them, no.

Grim: By the men who served with you?

Kerry: No.

Grim: What about Vietnam Veterans Against John Kerry?

Kerry: Their leader is a lunatic who hates me.

Grim: How about Vietnam Special Forces Against John Kerry?

Kerry: No. They are also full of hate.

Grim: Ralph Peters? He called you an "eel in a vat of olive oil."

Kerry: More hate speech. See, if someone hates you, you don't have to answer any question they raise.

Grim: Are you sure that every single veteran who is opposed to your candidacy hates you?

Kerry: Yes.

Grim: Well, then, a lot of veterans hate you, don't they?

Kerry: Well, why are all these veterans opposed to me? Never mind. Let's move on. I want to talk about the issues.

Grim: Your refusal to answer questions about your record is the issue we're talking about. I have one more question.

Kerry: OK.

Grim: Will you answer to me? We know I'm a Democrat, that I didn't vote for Bush, and that I volunteered for the Marines.

Kerry: Don't be foolish. You're just a blogger. Do you know who I am?

At this point, we had to end the interview, so that my second could step in to arrange the duel.

UPDATE: Greyhawk has his own imagined interview. His has audio.