Hatred & Humor in Gender Relations:
A couple of conservative ladies, Rachael Lucas and Cassy Fiano (not our own Cassidy), have been talking about a piece printed in Oprah's magazine. The piece is another of the genre I would describe as "wives mocking their husbands in major publications." There are a number of good reasons to disdain the trend, and I won't add to what the ladies have to say on the subject.
On the other hand, I would like to draw a distinction between such pieces and the pieces of crockery that Ms. Lucas was mocking last week. The two things are similar, but there is a signal difference between them: one is an example of mocking a particular person as an expression of anger, while the other is mocking a class of people as an expression of humor.
Lucas says that you couldn't replace "men" in the insults with any other group of people without raising an uproar. That's not quite true, though: there is one other group that could fit in the space, which is women. I can't count the number of bumperstickers I've seen for sale that said something to the effect of: "I miss my ex-wife; but my aim is getting better," or "My wife said to give up fishing or she'd leave; I sure will miss her." (There was a successful country music song about the last one.)
Moreover, I think this kind of humor is broadly good and healthy. As long as it remains nonspecific -- as long as you aren't using it to hurt someone in particular -- it is a useful way of dealing with the inevitable tensions between the sexes.
The fact that such tension exists is not evidence of hatred. It's normal for humankind. The Greeks confined women out of public life to keep such tensions down in an otherwise robust democracy. The Medievals had a number of mechanisms for resolving the tension, at least one of which -- the courtly love concept -- really needs another look from scholars, who have misread it as adulterous.
I think I can honestly state that I am a friend to women, and both respect and honor women. I still enjoy humor of this sort -- and I enjoy it regardless of which sex is being mocked. One of my favorite examples is a song by The Merry Wives of Windsor:
Oh, how can I say that I'll miss him,
If he won't oblige me and leave?
If he'd do what was right,
He would die in a fight --
If he loved me at all, he would die in a brawl --
I pray to the Lord that he'll fall on his sword! --
And I'll sing of sadness and grief!
Or, if you would like, consider
this collection of bawdy songs. Close to the front of the podcast are a pair of these songs: "Beer is Better than Women" by Axel the Sot, and "The Cucumber Song" (which I will not quote at all -- if you want the lyrics, you'll have to dig them out yourself) by Iris and Rose-Wild and Thorny. Neither of them are at all clean, and if you took the lyrics at face value, they'd both qualify as "hate speech."
But they're
not hate speech. When Axel the Sot is singing the chorus with the audience, and says, "Now, just the ladies!" everyone -- man and woman -- bursts out laughing.
It's inevitable that human sexuality produces irrational tensions in our lives that we have to deal with some way. Humor is one of the better ways.
Certainly, there are rules. It should never be used to hurt or to mock any particular person, but "men" and "women" are both fair targets. That means you shouldn't mock a man or a woman, but you can mock "wives" or "ex-wives" or "husbands."
We do have to remember to keep it in its proper setting. It may be fit only for the tavern and never for the office; for private play among friends, or for obviously over-the-top shows like the old
Married with Children.
It's not hate speech, though, and it's not bad. In its proper place, resolving these tensions is part of keeping life merry.
