Religious Jokes for a Friday

It would be a good idea to have a laugh given the dreary state of American politics. How about some religious jokes from my wife's Uncle Bill in Canada?
*** Opening Joke

Recently a large seminar was held for ministers in training. Among the guests were many well-known motivational speakers.

One of these speakers boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowds attention, said, The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!

The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother!

The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went over well.

About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife! His congregation sat shocked.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, …and I can't remember who she was!


*** Absolution

Edgar went to confession on Saturday and he told Father Duffy that he had an affair with a married
women from the parish. Father Duffy asked Edgar who she was and Edgar said, "Father, I can't tell you."

Father said, "If you don't tell me I cant give you absolution."

Edgar again said, "I know Father, but I just can't tell you."

Father Duffy then asked, "Was it Mrs. Murphy?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Mrs. O'Malley?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Mrs. O'Brian?"

"No, Father. I just cannot tell you who it was."

Father Duffy tells Edgar to go out and think about it and then come back when ready to confess who it was. Edgar leaves the church and runs into his friend Jim. Jim asks, "Did you tell him you had the affair?"

"Yes. He wanted to know who it was, but I wouldn't tell him."

"What did he say? Did he give you absolution?"

"Oh no, but he did give me three new possibilities........"


*** Religious Objects

A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.

One boy answers, "We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it."

The next little boy says, "We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it."

Then a third boy pipes up, "In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!'"

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"We're Methodists and we have a casserole dish!"

LittleRed1

Grim said...

Right!

Anonymous said...

Guess which religion is telling this joke?

Judy married Ted; they had 13 healthy children. Sadly Ted died. She married again, and she and Bob had seven more lovely children. Bob was tragically killed in a terrible car accident, 12 years later. Judy remarried a third time, and this time she and John had five more fine children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 wonderful children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret, "Judy’s had three husbands and 25 children. What do you think he means by saying they’re finally together?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs!"

Texan99 said...

I can't think of any religious jokes, so I'll switch to politics: "Communist jokes aren't funny . . . unless everybody gets them."

Grim said...

Political jokes can be funny too, but I really enjoy religious jokes that have the right spirit. I wrote a post about that nine years ago that includes several of my very favorites.

Grim said...

Anonymous, I'm going to guess Baptist -- but it's my third choice. At first I thought it was Catholics, because of the large families, but you said "preacher" and not "priest." So then I thought perhaps it was Mormons, who also have large families, but I'm not sure they use "preacher" either. So I'm going to go with Baptists, who do use preachers, and who do often have the names you give (Ethel is a family name in the wing of my family that is Primitive and/or Southern Baptist).

MikeD said...

We had a young priest at my parent's church in Virginia who always had a good joke to share with the congregation. One of them went something like this:
"A bus full of Baptists crashed and they all died. When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter welcomed them and took them on a tour of Heaven. There was a long hall with many doors. He opened the first one and showed them what was inside. "Here is where we have all the great peace makers of history." And the Baptists looked inside and were duly impressed. Then they came to the next door which he opened and said "Here is where we have all the great philosophers." And again they were impressed. And so it went with Saint Peter showing them all the great and virtuous, until they approached a certain door. "OK everyone, I'm going to have to ask you to quietly tiptoe past this door." And so they did. Once they were past, one of the Baptists asked "Why did we need to sneak past that door, Saint Peter?" "Oh," he responded, "that's where we keep the Catholics, they think they're the only ones up here."

Anonymous said...

Grim,

The Domincan order are known as "Order of Preachers"
Preacher is also a Catholic term. http://www.op.org/en

This joke came to me from a Catholic.

Grim said...

I did not know that. But I have only been a Catholic for a short time -- I was born into a family of Protestants of various stripes, and was raised Presbyterian.