You Can Take the Man Out of the South, But...

Right answer, wrong reasoning.
Q. Husband Nicknames: My husband and I have been married six months. All is well and we have no real complaints. But he does have this annoying little trait that I am wondering if I am just being nit-picky or if I actually have ground to stand on. I will accept whatever decision you put forth. My husband is Southern and calls every woman sweetheart or sweetie. This only happened a few times when dating to an occasional waitress, but now I see that he does it with longtime friends, other men's wives, and co-workers. It grates me that he does this and doesn't even give me a different pet name. I ask him to stop but he says that's how he's been his whole life. Is this a marriage compromise that I should just let go?

A: I live in Maryland, the land of Hon, and I enjoy those infrequent occasions when someone calls me that, though it's almost always from other women and in a retail setting. However, I don't care where your husband is from, calling every woman in his path sweetheart is both inappropriate and grating. Believe me, at his office the other women have discussed in the coffee room how uncomfortable his pet name makes them. Since you say he's from the South, but it sounds like he's not in the South, he needs to stop spritzing sweethearts everywhere. Even in the South, I can't imagine a young guy in the office expects to get away with calling his female colleagues sweetheart.
I don't know what part of the South he's from, but where I come from, we call every woman ma'am. I don't see any reason to stop living up to the traditions in which I was raised just because I leave home. Nobody asks the Yankees down here to slow down, or stop cursing every other word as is apparently the custom in the rest of the United States.

The problem isn't that the language he is using is Southern in an environment that is Northern, it is that it is familiar in an environment that is formal. The confusion is understandable. Offices for the last twenty years have tried hard to chuck the idea that they are formal environments. Regular business attire went from a suit, to a shirt with a tie, to "Casual Friday," to casual being the office norm. People stopped using their last names: not, "Good afternoon, I'm Joseph Smith from AT&T," but "Hello! I'm Joe from the phone company."

It is therefore easy to see how a young man could make the mistake of believing that he was in a laid back, informal environment among friends. Nothing could be further from the truth. The office was always a deadly place to drop your guard, but it is far worse now that the threats are masked by the casual air.

Someone should take this boy aside, for his own good, and explain all this to him. The modern office is full of landmines and hidden daggers. Formal manners are the only armor that offers any sort of defense.

6 comments:

MikeD said...

I don't know what part of the South he's from, but where I come from, we call every woman ma'am.

I've even been called on this in other places. "Ma'am! Why are you calling me ma'am?!?" I had one guy on the telephone get angry with me for calling him "sir". In all these situations, I simply say "raised in the South, in a military family, and served myself... you're fighting 30 years of training at this point."

I don't have any problem with my female coworkers calling me sweetie and darlin. It's just part of the culture. I will say, it's a little funny to have my Indian coworkers (male and female) call me 'dear', however. I blame their British English teachers.

Daniel said...

"Formal manners are the only armor that offers any sort of defense."

I could not agree more. The simple basics of "Yes ma'am/sir" and "no ma'am/sir", have done a lot for me in the business world.

DL Sly said...

I agree, Mike. I have used Ma'am and Sir my entire life due to considerable *risk/reward* training from my very Mt. William, military parents. The most interesting reactions come from those who are considerably younger than me -- which, sadly, seems to be happening more frequently of late. Many of them are at first taken aback, and then I see the flickering light of appreciation as they internalize the enexpected measure of respect and courtesy they've just been gifted. It's a rather cool thing to see.
0>;~}

E Hines said...

As a teenager, my responses were mostly "Yeah" and "Nope." No amount of admonition from my parents or teachers could correct that.

Then I joined the USAF--as MikeD intimated, it's kind of de rigueur to use "Sir" and "Ma'am" in a military environment. That, and quite a bit of growing up while in uniform, made it a habit, and a comfortable one.

Can't recall the last time, though, that I've been addressed as "Sir" since I've become a civilian, even in Texas. It's always "Eric" from the jump--even though we're strangers who've only just met.

Calling every woman "Sweetie" and the like, just because it's what he's used to, as Grim described in OP, though, isn't only...suboptimal...it's aggressively rude. The boy is saying that his way is the only way; he has no need to change his habit. Further, courtesy is making the other person comfortable. If that other person is uncomfortable in any way, it's on him to find another salutation to use when addressing that person.

Eric Hines

Assistant Village Idiot said...

Prudence is becoming a common link recently. No good will come of this.

Grim said...

But I remember her so fondly.